I was brought up being taught that everything happens for good to those who love the Lord. I believed it religiously, and never doubted God’s judgment on anything that happened in our life, be it good or bad.
This time, I felt more helpless than ever before, when we discovered our pregnancy was ectopic, and that the surgery was inevitable. Losing a pregnancy is not a big deal in the eyes of people as it is so common in figures and statistics, and many of them don’t even know they had it until they lost it. But for someone like us it was more like losing ourselves.
After that day, I went to bed every night thinking, “What was good about this decision God, I don’t understand this.” I haven’t found a satisfying answer so far.(And yet, ironically, I believe that there was something good about this, which is beyond my understanding.) But I only found myself helpless than ever before.
I am hurt and broken; hurt that I was given hope that was taken away and broken that the whole thing broke my heart and my trust.
I am so cross with you God, that I can’t explain how much, not because of what I lost, but because of everything else. Every day I see and hear about parents killing their children, parents not appreciating their blessings of having children, and parents who constantly complain about their children, and I think to myself, Why God? Why do I see this? You know that I have made up my mind; I decided not to complain, I decided not to question your judgment. Then, why you show me all these ungrateful people?
I feel tired of everything I see and hear around me; you know that I am not for these dramas and ungratefulness I witness everyday. People say to me just Let Go, just Let God. And yes, that’s exactly what I thought too.. I would let you win me back this time. I would let you gain my trust back again. And I would let you mend what is broken.
Because I still believe that you can’t stop loving me no matter how much I give up on you..
Much Love ❤️ God bless
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