Posted on May 16, 2020
I woke up this morning, having seen a weird dream. With the weirdest part where in the flight landed in the water body beside the road I was walking by. I could not focus whether it was a river or lake, because my eyes were on the plane. Though I was awake from my actual sleep, I was still lost. I did my daily chores so habitually as I do every day. I needed some cold water on my head to completely wake me up. So, I straight stepped into the shower.
After a lovely shower, I prepared my “Indian cuppa tea” and sat in front of my laptop thinking of my first assignment on “public watching”. To enlighten my soul, I had YouTube on with an Ilaiyaraaja soundtrack on the background. Funny thing is I do not understand Tamil, but I love this song for some reason. Suddenly I felt I cannot write anymore. I think I need a little bit of motivation today. I cannot give up so easily.
It is a bright morning out there. I just stood up from my current position and kneeled on the couch facing to the window. The best position to watch everything around me, the one I recently adopted since the lock-down started. Like every day, the grey taxi car is parked off road opposite to my house. Looks like the driver, who I refer to as ‘the old man’, has not been to work since the lock down started.
We always talked about the way he parked his car, not an inch forward or backward. I always come out of my driveway reversing and this licensed hackney carriage is my daily reference point on where to stop before I change gear to drive forward. No matter how much space is left in front of it or behind, it stays in its place.
Few times I have noticed the pair of eyes that stare at me from the first-floor flat window, opposite my house when I drive out of my driveway. Though far away for me to really see it, I could sense the doubt in those eyes in my driving skills. Probably because of the new driver sign, which is still sticking on my little car, but whenever I see those eyes watching me, my lips curl up, with a naughty thought in heart, “Oh dear, am under constant surveillance.”
A few dog walkers passed by and a few cars. Not many people I saw. So naturally my gaze shifted to other things around. I suddenly remembered what my friend told me the other day, which truly made me laugh. She said, “when you look outside, you see dandelions, I see how bad my lawn looks like and worry about sorting it out.” I realized my lawn needs sorting badly too. But what to do, sadly I do not have the tools or the will myself to do it. Sooner rather than later I need to find a skilled person to help me with this.
My bushy rose plant has slowly started to have new leaves and buds. I cannot really wait to see it flowering. The Red Valerian, which was in the right-hand side, bloomed in its glory. And the Ivy plant of course need a real cutting and shaping so it will not invade our space in the home. With the thought of my garden needing a desperate sorting out, I realigned my sight again to the road in front of me.
I could see the significant decrease in the number of cars parked out in the road as compared to the beginning of the lockdown. Now that the restrictions have eased off a bit, to me it seems like people are not scared anymore or most probably fed up staying home so long that they started to enjoy the little freedom they attained for now. But I do not know why it feels like the silence before the storm.
I think I should not think any further, I should not leave my thoughts unrestrained and wild like this. It is nearly time for lunch. Usually, I cannot sleep if I am hungry, now it seems I cannot think straight because of the same. For me to complete my assignment I think I should first satisfy my hunger and then restart again.
Posted on May 12, 2020
Am lighting this candle at my window tonight in support and appreciation to my fellow colleagues who been fighting front-line as mighty warriors against the dangerous bug that is creating havoc in the world. I know together we can and we will overcome this greatest global health emergency. And also paying my tribute to those who lost their lives in this fight. Thank you Team, You’re just amazing .. Much Love..
I am a nurse that see the journey of life, from the moment of the first cry to the last gasp, yet every day I feel the same excitement and the same shock as I felt the first time
I am a nurse who see the fear in the eyes that look up to me, yet suppresses mine and pretends to be fearless in those eyes
I am a nurse who feels happy when I see the smile on my patients face, yet at times I get blamed of various things which may not be relevant than life
I am a nurse who cannot cope with the unsocial hours of the night, yet I do it fighting against my body to meet the needs at my work
I am a nurse who can encourage patients to drink plenty and yet my bottle of water remains unopened even at the end of my shift
I am a nurse whose bladder is made of elastic, that surprise myself how much it could hold, yet I am good at advising others on the same
Iam a nurse who finds it difficult to hold my tears, yet I stay strong to give my shoulder to the bereaving families
I am a nurse that deal any emergencies as though an expert. yet I tremble when my adrenaline rush eases off
I am a nurse that has a loving family waiting at home, yet expose myself to all the deadly bugs and then worry about everyone around me
I am a nurse, that sometimes get so fed up with the number of records I need to complete to keep the evidence of what I did, yet I gather my will not to give up.
I am a nurse, not an angel, am just a human, and I deserve to be treated as human yet at times I feel that people take me for granted
I am a nurse, and mine is a key profession that no matter it is war or flood or outbreak or lock-down or terrorism, I should be at work, yet at times the least appreciated
I am a nurse, even though I feel sick and tired and unwell, yet I believe I can do many more things to make others feel better
I am a nurse that wear a smile on my face all day every day, as I enter the door of my workplace, so nobody knows how I bury all my worries of life in my heart
I am a nurse, that no matter how people treat me, and look down on me, yet I love my job as I deal with people and their precious lives, who put their trust in me.
Posted on May 10, 2020
When I look myself in the mirror, I see the deep gaze of my mother. The love, the gracefulness , the endurance, the empathy, the care, the knowledge, the passion, whatever goodness that emit from me is from you, my mother. Apart from you being my comforter, my motivator, my well wisher, my strong pillar and my fortress in my life, there are some little yet great things I always cherish in heart, in every moment of my life that’s from you.
So mommy let me reveal some of my little secrets I have in heart for you:
Mommy, do you know what I think, why I developed my craziness to words..? I know that you loved reading novels so much, probably when you conceived me, you read too much..
Mommy, I know it’s you who held my hand to write my first words. I know that was Psalms 23, that I learned first to read and write. Today when I write my profound thoughts, I know it is from you, where I began my love to the beauty of words. And as I promised, one day I will make you proud with this and this is my prayer..
Mommy, remember as a child, when I was afraid to go in the dark, you taught me to remember this verse from Psalms 23,
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Do you know I still repeat this words in my heart when I feel frightened.
Mommy remember those sleepless nights of yours when I struggled to breathe and could not sleep lying down (due to asthma), I always slept on your shoulder and kept you awake. And your special homely herbal concoct mix, made of tulsi (Ocimum tenuiflorum/ Holy Basil), and turmeric, carefully made with your main ingredient of love in it, which was the best remedy for my fever and cold. And do you know when I get ill here, and I try making my own herbal remedies, and I realize the main ingredient of your love is what I needed the most.
Mommy, I know there were difficult times in our life too, being blown and tossed by the storm of trials, but the way you held tighter to God, (even though I didn’t understand it then) I am just amazed. Do you realize that today when I have to face my life trials, I feel the strength and positivity because you showed me how to live through it, by trusting in God and holding him tight.
Mommy, remember the palm leaf (we receive on Palm Sunday) you tied to the plant (the Moringa plant in our back yard, which you brought from Tamil Nadu and everybody said it won’t bear fruit, because it is replanted in different soil) that wasn’t bearing fruit and then one morning you woke up to see that it not only bore fruit, but the best fruit. And when we get unwell the holy anointed oil you apply on the affected area and pray to make us feel better. In all your little actions like this, even though more that palm leaf or the oil, what I see is your faith. (You always remind me of the woman who touched the robe of Jesus in the crowd, and Jesus turned to her to say, daughter your faith has healed you). You don’t realize how it influenced me to deep root my faith in God.
Mommy, I know and I heard you talking proudly of us, your children to others. And tomorrow, if God is willing to give me my own child, do you know how proud I will feel to teach your grandchild all those wonderful things you taught me.
Mommy, today when I look through the rear view mirror of my life, I realize how blessed I am for having you, for you made me a human being worthy enough to be in this world. I thank God every day for I feel favored and blessed to have you as mine.. Much Love .
(P.S. It’s Mother’s day today in certain parts of the world, even though we dont need a special day to celebrate our lovely mothers, I felt it is worth it. I wish all the lovely women out there a Happy Mother’s day)
As a child I always wanted to grow up and be independent. But when I grew up, I realized my childhood was the best phase of my life. I sometimes wish the time machines were real so I could fly back to my carefree days. Well, of course, reality is far away from my fantasy thoughts. The weather was extremely pleasant today, I really wanted to go out and get some fresh air. It has been a long while that I have gone out for a walk. My mind and body have not revived yet from the shift I did last night. For some unknown reason I find it exceedingly difficult to cope with night shifts. Adding to it, the mask I wore makes it even worse, by depriving my brain of oxygen. I really felt to inhale very hard and deep so I could get all the oxygen to revitalize all the cells of my body. Meanwhile, my eyes were busy capturing the beauty of blossoming nature around me. And suddenly this little being secured my line of vision. A little common dandelion. I remembered when I was little, I was fond of this flower, I liked to pick it, so I could blow its petals. It imparted great joy in me as child. I know it sounds a bit silly, but it is an overwhelming feeling. Now that I saw it again, I gently picked it and I blew its petals once again. And as I did it, I sensed the same feeling of satisfaction as I felt as a child ..
Oh my Soul, did you realise,
How quickly the day has passed..
Sun has kissed the horizon at last,
It’s time to rest and break the fast.,
Look around and look aside,
Many has fallen and many died..
You are breathing and still alive,
With enormous energy to prosper and thrive..
Let’s be honest and let’s be wise,
Learn to see with wide open eyes..
All that you have and yet you receive,
Are left behind before you leave..
Just be grateful, as nothing remains,
None of your loses, nor your gains..
So keep your heart free, for the day you sleep,
That you have no regrets, rooted deep..
Remember my soul, it’s never too late,
To not forget, to appreciate ..
Those wonderful things, in your grip,
With a humble prayer in your lip …
[ P.S.Written couple of years ago: Found in my archives, thought to share :)]
Posted on May 5, 2020
Waking up in the morning seeing Norfolk skies,
Has obviously been part of my day to day life.
As in it’s beautiful nature all my happiness lies,
With a mind full of serenity, that is free of strife.
The culture and customs and the people I see
Though a bit reluctant and reserved to mingle
Has always been welcoming and good to me
Making me feel at home, learning the wrinkle
Each and every stone here has a story to say,
Of the wars they witnessed in historian days
With a sigh of relief and a thoughtful dismay,
And a message of peace, in the core it conveys.
The sandy beach, the shoreline I walk along
Enriches my soul,with the music of its waves
Like a careful note, of a well composed song,
By soothing and satisfying my inner craves.
The cathedrals in Norwich, the churches we find,
Gives the community, a better place to gather.
And Walsingham pilgrimage is one of its kind,
Which binds different communities like no other.
Oh my dear Norfolk, you mean so much to me,
Sandringham or Sheringham, your beauty I adore,
Be it your Broads, Or the North Norfolk sea,
The nature is abundant in you, deep to its core.
PS: Written in July 2018 as part of Norfolk Day Competition. Read it again today and felt to share it. I wish that once this pandemic is over I shall once again be able to enjoy the beauty of Norfolk..
Posted on April 26, 2020
*Morning Medication Rounds*
Amelia was busy with dispensing medications to one of her patients this morning. She walked to his room, with a tray with medications dispensed in a disposable plastic pot. On seeing her, he said, “Oh! you hid your smile, didn’t you?”. He didn’t see the smile, behind the visor and the mask.
Amelia had her personal protective attire for work on. So far, by God’s Grace or by fate, her workplace is not contracted with the virus. But since the threat is approaching nearer day by day, all the staff are wearing PPE’s to protect the people in their care.
She said, “ It’s just that you don’t see it, there is still a smile behind this mask.” Even though she worried about everything that’s happening outside, She still did not forget to keep her smile.
Behind the mask, there was a hidden smile, the smile that masked all her thoughts that currently blown and tossed in her mind.
She thought, “I wish I could say how much I care about you and others. These days I worry about so many things:
I worry that if I go out to buy groceries, it’s not just me, you still have a chance to get it from me.
I worry if I get it, I have to stay home as well as my other half, which can make things difficult to meet our daily life demands
I worry what if tomorrow, if I and my team get ill, how you will be cared for.
I worry, what if you get it and I blame my whole life for bringing it to you.
I not only just worry about when I’ll be seeing my family again, but also about yours.
I worry if I be able to keep you safe until your family be able to meet you again.
But still I have a smile hidden behind my mask, the smile I wear on my face, to keep your spirits high as well as everyone else’s !”
Amelia administrated the medication and went back to the medication trolley, to scribble her signature in the medication administration record. And she carried on..
Posted on April 20, 2020
*Doorbell* Amelia opened the door to see the delivery boy with a bouquet and a card. She was surprised, it was not her birthday or any special day. She scribbled her signature on the iPhone which he gave to her. Amelia was curious to open the card to find out who the sender was, only to find a signature, which to her looked like a star. The mysterious admirer was however unknown. The bouquet was beautiful, Amelia always liked flowers, especially Red Roses. Did this person know she liked them? She found a vase and arranged the flowers, still lost in thoughts. “Who could it be?”
Amelia lost her parents while she was a child. She lived with her grandmother in Blackpool, a coastal town in England. She was an overly ambitious girl. Writing was her passion. She writes everything in her little diary since she was school going girl. Be it a moment of happiness or sorrow it was all jotted in it. She aspired to become a writer when she grew up. Amelia loved herself and found beauty in every little thing around her. She did not have many friends, but the ones she had, been precious to her soul. She believed in her dreams. Amelia engraved her favorite writer Paulo Coelho’s words in her heart. She knew the whole universe would conspire to help her achieve her dream.
Amelia was sitting at the study table scribbling in her notebook as usual. The card she received few days ago, was still on the table. She took it again and opened it. This person must be a calligrapher, she thought. Such a beautiful handwriting. The address label was stuck beneath the signature. It revealed a postcode from London. Suddenly this idea struck her mind, this person deserved a note of thanks. Amelia took a piece of paper and wrote a few words to express her gratitude for the beautiful flowers send to her. She read it again, made corrections until she felt satisfied. She neatly folded the paper and carefully put in the envelop and sealed it and wrote the address on it.
The next day Amelia went out to the Library, on the way she posted the envelope in the nearby post office. Amelia had so much to do that day. The paperwork to sort her university admission and her scholarship. She did not realize how quickly the day has passed. She desperately wanted this scholarship as this will help her complete her course easily without putting much financial burden on her. As she was coming out of the Library, she felt optimistic and one step nearer to the long way to her dream.
Few days later, on a bright morning in Spring, Amelia received a letter. When she opened the envelop, her pupils dilated. So, the person behind the mask is named Adam. As she read the letter, she wondered if this individual is a lonely soul, otherwise how he finds so much time to spare to write letters, at this age of social media. She found it more interesting, they both kept writing letters to each other. Their topics varied from ambitions to seasons, to nature to hobbies and to life. They could not wait to meet each other.
Meanwhile, Amelia got admission in one of the reputed Colleges in London to pursue her degree in Creative Writing. She moved to the busy life of London, she felt she is going to get lost in the crowd. She was never used to such a life before. Amelia was overwhelmed in the first few weeks, then she started getting used to it. Amelia did not forget to let Adam know in her previous letter that she is moving to London. But it is been a month now, no letters or cards were received from Adam. She was worried, what happened to her pen-friend she thought.
Amelia wanted to find out. She took the train to Central London, to the address which she used to write all the letters to. She was keen to know what happened to her friend. As she walked to the building taking slow steps, her heart was thumbing, she could feel the anxiety and fear from deep within her soul. He is indeed a stranger to her, but she could not stop thinking of him. She knew he is a good soul, but how she was so sure, no one knew. The apartment was in the 8th floor of the building in front of her. As she reached the door, she took a deep breath, to make her calm, simultaneously her index finger pressed the doorbell. She was anxious, equally curious to see the masked man for the first time.
To her surprise an elderly lady, in her 70s opened the door. She looked so graceful with her outstanding facial features. “Does Adam live here?” Amelia asked hesitantly. The old lady looked at Amelia and smiled. She welcomed Amelia into the living room as though she was expecting her visit. She said in a gentle voice, “So you are Amelia” After a pause she continued, “Yes, this is Adam’s home, however, he is not here right now. He is admitted in St. Thomas Hospital”
“Admitted in Hospital??” Amelia repeated as she was confused. Mrs. Johns was Adam’s paternal grandmother, once used to be a very efficient GP in one of the practices in London. She offered Amelia a drink and sat beside her on the couch. Adam has always been remarkably close to his grandmother that he shared everything with her. He also mentioned about his new pen-friend Amelia to her. He always talked highly of her. Probably the one relationship out of his family which he would like to cherish at his current situation. Mrs. Johns paused for a while and disclosed Adam’s diagnosis of cancer. He was a healthy adult until 2 months ago, when he was diagnosed of this fatal disease. She mentioned how himself and the whole family were in the state of denial in the first few days after they knew it. He was falling into depression.
In order to bring him back, his family and doctors suggested him to divert his attention to something he would like to do. He enjoyed reading since he was a child. He happened to read Amelia’s blogs one day while randomly browsing on the internet. Adam developed an interest in her writing style and thus led his way to the writer. Amelia was astonished as she heard how this now friend of hers set his way to find this then unknown writer.
Amelia was devastated to hear about the big word cancer. But she realized that he needed her support as a friend now, to help him get over it. She read about it before that during chemotherapy a person needs emotional support as it can be traumatic physically and mentally. She thought this is the right time to keep him engaged and spend time with him, so she could promote his mental well-being. As his grandmother said, he is commenced now with chemotherapy. “Could that be that he is not feeling well that he hasn’t written any letters these days?” Her heart ached thinking of him.
Adam is admitted in the Hematology ward. As Amelia walked into the ward, she was wondering what Adam’s first expression will be seeing her. She asked the ward clerk for Adam Johns’ room, in response she pointed to the end of the corridor on the right-hand side. Amelia gently opened the door, as she did not want to disturb him if he was sleeping. But he was immersed in reading, that he did not notice the slight movement in the room. He lifted his head to the gentle voice that called his name. His eyes lit as he saw Amelia. For few moments it was just silence. He broke the silence and said, “Amelia, I knew you would come.”. Saying this he extended his arms for a hug. Amelia was stunned to his response on seeing her, she felt as though they knew each other for a long time. They stayed in each other’s embrace for a while. He carved a picture of her in his soul through the letters he read. They did not seem to feel even the slightest discomfort of meeting for the first time.
Amelia was devastated by thought of his diagnosis. However, looking at Adam, Amelia could not believe that he was invaded by such a disease. He was calm and serene. If no one would say this to her, she would not even know. She tried to stay brave beside him. Even though she only knew him for a few months, this news broke her heart. Adam kept speaking to her all the while she was there, on every possible topic under the sun. She was sad within, to know how suffocated he might have felt being on his own, not being able to talk to somebody. She was fascinated watching him talk about every detail of every little thing he said to her. Amelia never knew a man could talk so much.
Amelia grabbed hold of his right hand, which had various infusion lines attached to it, looked in his eyes and said, “Now that I am here, you won’t be on your own. I will come to see you every day. We are going to fight this together and get over this.” Adam knew she read his mind. He was overwhelmed, he wanted to say something, but this time he could not speak. He just held her hand tightly, and she understood. In Adam’s words he was walking through a dark tunnel on his own, with the little ray of hope further away from him. But now that he found his friend Amelia to walk beside, he could see the beam of light at the end of tunnel is much closer than he thought.
Amelia took permission from the nurse on shift, to take him for a walk. Then covered his shoulder with a shawl, even though the sun shone with a mighty glow, it was still chilly outside. They walked hand in hand in the same pace, neither quick nor slow, through the purpose-built park beside the ward. But this time she was talking to him, and he was listening. Adam never felt so enchanted before, as now listening to Amelia. His spirit was uplifted with her presence. He only had one thought and one ambition this time. He promised in his heart, that he will fiercely face this battle, to defeat this Cancer, so he could be able to walk with her the rest of his life. With this thought his lips curled to a beautiful smile. Without knowing what is in his mind, she smiled back at him, as they walked back to the ward.
The time flew by, it was getting late for Amelia, to get back. She had to frame the rough draft of her first assignment and submit to her supervisor. She bid goodbye to Adam for now. He knew he had to wait till weekend to see her again. But he liked the fact that he had somebody to wait for. He felt that every cell in his body was empowered with strength to defeat the killer that invaded him. He slowly fell asleep to his world of dreams. While in the other side of the city, Amelia sat down to scribble in her notebook on her lovely day. The page was still blank, as this day was inscribed deep within her soul. No words came out of her. She closed her eyes, as she was still reliving the day in her heart. The fragrance of love lingered around. In her dream, she met him again. And together they walked to live their dream once again.
~ Chinchu Gibu
Posted on April 18, 2020
Amelia really missed her lovely friends and family. Life has become so busy for herself and her other half that they don’t even see each other these days. The threat of the virus is getting closer and closer day by day. She felt tired of pretending to be brave. Her inner being was breaking, the courage she masked on her face started melting down, she felt the warmth of her tears on her cheeks.
She wished to have someone near her this time. To hold her in the arms and give a tight hug and say “don’t worry we’ll get over it, we’ll be fine.” That was all she needed. But of course, we are social distancing now, she forgot it, didn’t she.?
Amelia said to herself, “no you can’t be broken,You can’t have fear, because you are a nurse, you are the one to whom people look up to, you need to stay brave..”She closed her eyes and hugged herself. She regained all the strength she needed to face another shift at work.
She got ready for work,she have a night shift tonight. She absolutely hate to do night shifts. But this time she felt like a soldier at the border, saving the country. “Yes, when all my patients sleep tonight, I’ll be their guard, who will remain vigilant against the virus..” She was calm and serene as drove to work, as though there was nothing on earth that could beat her..like a warrior..
~ Chinchu Gibu